Happy Mother’s Day from a Postpartum Depression Survivor 💐

Sorry if this title feels a little like Michael Scott’s quote, “Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party’s so lame.” Mother’s Day is usually a time of flowers, cards, homemade crafts, and breakfasts in bed. Yet, postpartum depression (PPD) is a topic often buried deep and even undiagnosed. In fact, more than 75% of women who suffer from maternal mental health disorders go undiagnosed and untreated. In many countries, as many as 1 in 5 women have a mental health problem during pregnancy and in the first year following the birth.

My ‘BIG UGLY MOMENT’

After my third daughter was born in January 2023, the constant fight-or-flight mode took its not-surprising mental toll, leading to what I’ll call my “BIG UGLY MOMENT.”

It was early July, and I’d been home with all three kids since my oldest finished preschool in mid-May. All four of us were driving to the library. My two oldest were acting like toddlers and fighting. My newborn was crying like a typical baby. For a fleeting moment while shaking, I considered driving my car off the road… A totally unnormal, horrifying thought that even months later still makes me shudder. 

Yes, it’s shocking. However, I’m thankful for the blatant moment that made me step back and realize I had postpartum depression. There were many other signs like anxiousness while doing simple tasks like making lunch. There was out-of-character crying. I missed these signs out of busyness from 3 kids, all age 4 and under at the time.

Getting Help

Even though this was my third child, it was my first time suffering postpartum depression. However, I recently learned the more children you have, the more likely you are to suffer depression in a later pregnancy.

I didn’t know where to start with dealing with this issue. Which doctor do I call? For anyone suspecting they have some degree of postpartum depression, the good news is you can start with almost any doctor, including your ob/gyn or general practitioner. Pediatricians often provide moms with questionnaires in the first year of a baby’s life and can also refer you somewhere.

I called my general practitioner who upon meeting with me asked, “Did you have a difficult pregnancy or delivery?” 

Wow. I hadn’t taken a moment to think about that. Yes and yes. Let me rewind to June of 2022 when I was newly pregnant with two toddlers. If I look back, I could see my depression brewing. I was experiencing debilitating pregnancy nausea. Puking while my then 4-year-old burst into the bathroom asking for her lunch, is motherhood in a nutshell. There are days where you just have to dig down deep to meet your families’ needs. No matter how sick or tired you are.

I’ve spoken of my pregnancy. Now I’ll share the horror that was my delivery. At 41 weeks, I was a geriatric mom sent home when my contractions stalled in the middle of the night. Two days later, completely exhausted and on the day of my scheduled induction, my daughter was coming fast. The hospital staff seemed hesitant to admit me. Following a speedy delivery, the midwife who handled the delivery because no doctors were available said, “that placenta was spent.”

Soon after, I hemorrhaged and lost a lot of blood. They gave me strong medications and checked for blood clots. The staff said it would be normal to pass out. But, I truly didn’t think I’d wake up, so I willed myself to stay awake. I was so out of it, I heard my daughter crying and thought, “huh, there’s a baby in this room.” My teeth clattered while I couldn’t get warm. Despite the near-death experience, I never saw a doctor during my hospital stay.

Before my pregnancy, I’d also hurt my knee. It was giving out in the most painful of ways and would leave me temporarily immobile. It would happen even if I’d simply stretched. I needed surgery but had to wait until I was no longer pregnant. Thankfully, I sought help for my PPD before I had knee surgery. What initially was thought to be a few days on crutches led to me spending six weeks on crutches after meniscus surgery. My injury absolutely contributed to my postpartum depression. It was unpredictable and terrifying that it might give out while I was caring for my girls.

Following my appointment with my general practitioner last summer, she prescribed me sertraline (Zoloft). The drug has a long history of being safe for breastfeeding moms, which at the time I was. I truly believed the medication was life-saving for me. However, I urge anyone suspecting they might have postpartum depression symptoms to seek help immediately. Medication like Zoloft takes time to be effective.

Besides medication, psychotherapy and participation in support groups are other common treatment methods. For severe cases, an IV of the new ground-breaking medication Zulresso (brexanolone) can be prescribed.

Thankfully, medication helped me tremendously. If my PPD hadn’t improved, my next step would be seeking a therapist. BetterHelp is a mental health platform that sounded user-friendly for busy moms that can do sessions from home.

There are so many joys of motherhood. I wouldn’t change my decision to have three children, currently ages five and under. However, having babies and raising younger kids during a global pandemic had its own set of unforeseen challenges. The biggest struggle was the isolation from the pandemic that rolled into continued isolation. I felt tethered to my house for various nap schedules. When there was a rare time we could all get out of the house, I feared public places with three, young kids that were each a wildcard for behavior.  

I have slowly begun to let go of feeling like I need to be perfect. Most importantly, I no longer feel isolated. I’ve become more involved with my church and mom’s group, all of which have young children like me. I’ve also started a book club. Additionally, I’ve become much more immersed with my writers’ communities, even finagling a three-day trip to NYC for the Society of Children’s Books Writers & Illustrators conference.

Now that my knee is repaired, I’ve added small amounts of exercise back into my life. It’s been a happy reunion with endorphins as someone who was always active and into sports. The most notable change is the improvement in my immune system. Previously, I was always getting the sickest in the family when there was a stomach bug, RSV, Covid-19, or other colds going through our family. It was mentally draining to care for my family while feeling so sick. Now, I’ve noticed that exercise has allowed me to avoid some of the sicknesses or bounce back way quicker.

In closing, anyone who is struggling with any kind of depression, please know you’re not alone. A lesson I wish I’d learn sooner? Seeking help takes courage and strength.